I greeted at church today. And greeting typically is a fun time, of excitement and laughing and meeting new people while hugging on old friends. Today was no exception. Except that, at the end of it all, I just wanted to be around someone that knew me. Someone that could hold me while I cried; it was very much needed. So, somehow, in the midst of this amazing community of people that I adore, I managed to have a lonely day.
I came home wanting to be on a beached sailboat near Charleston, with an old friend, a fleece blanket, and a bottle of wine to myself. Lonely days such as this I think I am being pitiful. But, I remind myself, everyone is entitled to a lonely day.
I am really hoping for deeper friendships here and hope it isn't me holding that back.
Positively, I did leave church today with dimples that hurt from smiling. That was great.
And then my wonderful house mate carted me off for cheesecake and shopping. And somehow the day was better.
In the midst of all of this, I realized that I consistently look to someone to be my refuge. But, to quote a great woman, I should not bear my soul in the presence of any man. For in the arm's of a sinner I am.
How I long for it though.
Lots of weighty things pushing on me the past few months. How to make sense of all of it.
Prayer.
More and more prayer...For He will reveal Himself to me. From me He will not depart.
Proverbs 28:13
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
deep yoga breath here
My first week of school is behind me. It was good. Lots of walking, and coffee, and talking, and laughing!, and even more walking, singing, hi-fiving, and taking it all in. I am in love with good books at great coffee shops or on buses, and professors that make it crazy interesting. I am not in love with my right knee after all of the walking and stair climbing. But it's okay. It's getting stronger, which is needed.
Above all, I am tired. It's a good tired, but tired nonetheless. My scalp tingles at the point where my hair actually attaches anytime I run my hand through it. As if it longs for someone else to run their hand through it. I wish he would.
I made a new friend this week, and not just I met someone who is cool to talk to in class. A person that, I believe, will become a new true blue friend. A Jesus friend. I like Jesus friends.
It's also been a week of thinking about Jesus and how He effects my life. I have learned that at least one person is watching me, looking for Jesus, and that has been very sobering for me. Made me wonder how many people look at me and see Jesus. And, with it, the faces and names of everyone who I did not show Jesus to fly through my mind at a speed I can't even keep up with.
It's glorious to think that there is more to this world than just what is in front of me. I often think of myself sitting on the bus for example, as if all the roofs and attics and tops of cars and buses and trains have been taken off, and I'm looking down at the world from the sky. And I can see me and everyone on my bus. I zoom out. And there's everyone getting their kids ready, starting work, driving, crying, waking up in Raleigh. Zoom out again. There's North Carolina. And I think of how small my life is, how little impact I have. But, then I think of how we are just a high-thread count fabric and, though each strand is tiny, it is no less or no more important than any other strand. I can still do something. My tiny life will encounter other tiny lives. I want people to look at my tiny life and see that it radiates with joy and sunshine and swirly twirly gum drops...I hate the mold, Jell-0 and abstractly. If I resist the mold, I think my tiny life could do some good in other tiny lives.
But, not by me. Only through Jesus. And this- this I must remember.
Above all, I am tired. It's a good tired, but tired nonetheless. My scalp tingles at the point where my hair actually attaches anytime I run my hand through it. As if it longs for someone else to run their hand through it. I wish he would.
I made a new friend this week, and not just I met someone who is cool to talk to in class. A person that, I believe, will become a new true blue friend. A Jesus friend. I like Jesus friends.
It's also been a week of thinking about Jesus and how He effects my life. I have learned that at least one person is watching me, looking for Jesus, and that has been very sobering for me. Made me wonder how many people look at me and see Jesus. And, with it, the faces and names of everyone who I did not show Jesus to fly through my mind at a speed I can't even keep up with.
It's glorious to think that there is more to this world than just what is in front of me. I often think of myself sitting on the bus for example, as if all the roofs and attics and tops of cars and buses and trains have been taken off, and I'm looking down at the world from the sky. And I can see me and everyone on my bus. I zoom out. And there's everyone getting their kids ready, starting work, driving, crying, waking up in Raleigh. Zoom out again. There's North Carolina. And I think of how small my life is, how little impact I have. But, then I think of how we are just a high-thread count fabric and, though each strand is tiny, it is no less or no more important than any other strand. I can still do something. My tiny life will encounter other tiny lives. I want people to look at my tiny life and see that it radiates with joy and sunshine and swirly twirly gum drops...I hate the mold, Jell-0 and abstractly. If I resist the mold, I think my tiny life could do some good in other tiny lives.
But, not by me. Only through Jesus. And this- this I must remember.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
HOKAY so..
Puh LEASE tell me you have seen "the end of the world" on youtube. okay you haven't. i'm going to try to not judge you. go search it on youtube. NOW. you think i'm kiddin'?
alright, so insert me, probably THE oldest person that's not the professor in my cultural anthropology class first thing this morning. and he's from Nepal. no, that's not funny. i know.
he says lots of words really well, uh, retardededly? Ha, that's a retarded word. (I can just hear Dallas reeling from my improper use of the word retarded.) And he's going through the syllabus and I am just struggling to understand the man. And, he looks up, pauses and goes, "Hokay so!!". It was everything I could muster to not laugh right out loud. and, to make matters worse, he does it like every 3rd sentence. i'm on the fifth row, with clear line of sight from him to me, and i have my hand over my mouth and i am trying not to shake from sheer laughter. first class, on my first day ever at NC State, and the professor thinks i am laughing at him. how do i manage these things?
HOKAY so! the rest of the day was alright. somehow it took nearly all day to figure out if my refund was direct deposit or a check (because it's missing), we finally discover. a check. give it 'til friday. great. this is me. thrilled.
oi. i'm trying not to let this overshadow that i am at STATE! i never thought i would say this about anything, but i have been thinking about this day for years. literally, years. plural.
that's all i've got for the moment.
i'm still debating on whether or not my life is interesting enough for a blog. menh, it helps.
Go Pack!
alright, so insert me, probably THE oldest person that's not the professor in my cultural anthropology class first thing this morning. and he's from Nepal. no, that's not funny. i know.
he says lots of words really well, uh, retardededly? Ha, that's a retarded word. (I can just hear Dallas reeling from my improper use of the word retarded.) And he's going through the syllabus and I am just struggling to understand the man. And, he looks up, pauses and goes, "Hokay so!!". It was everything I could muster to not laugh right out loud. and, to make matters worse, he does it like every 3rd sentence. i'm on the fifth row, with clear line of sight from him to me, and i have my hand over my mouth and i am trying not to shake from sheer laughter. first class, on my first day ever at NC State, and the professor thinks i am laughing at him. how do i manage these things?
HOKAY so! the rest of the day was alright. somehow it took nearly all day to figure out if my refund was direct deposit or a check (because it's missing), we finally discover. a check. give it 'til friday. great. this is me. thrilled.
oi. i'm trying not to let this overshadow that i am at STATE! i never thought i would say this about anything, but i have been thinking about this day for years. literally, years. plural.
that's all i've got for the moment.
i'm still debating on whether or not my life is interesting enough for a blog. menh, it helps.
Go Pack!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
