Beautiful, merry 48 hours

I started this yesterday...but, I never got any further than the title. Sad. I know.
But, the past 48 hours has been full of inward searching, and I can't seem to figure out if my heart is the worse for wear because of it. These past two days have been long, and I have been tired, and overwhelmed, and felt bad for being rude without even trying to someone who looks to me to be a nice kind person...I have been elated with meeting new people, and somehow in that same span of time I've felt lower than low for not remembering someone's name and the way they reacted because of it. I think I might beat myself up too much for not being able to please other's...and it's a habit I just do not know how to shake.

I hung out with one of my rare solid friends here in Raleigh. And he leaves me in ten days to go off to only he knows where. And I couldn't help but be completely sad when he drove off. There went someone who gets me, and respects me, and makes me laugh just in the way he says hello when he calls. And off he goes. He'll be back, I know. But, in a time where I am living with a near stranger, it's nice to have someone to relax, goof off, and talk shit around.

And yet, God totally revealed himself yesterday. Because Sunday's are always better days. My sense of place, and not having a real place of belonging has weighed heavily on me the last few days. As I sat in service, in the only place I feel completely comfortable in here in Raleigh, I buckled under the weight. Of trying to remember Jesus lives in me, of my relationship and everything that surrounds it, of investing in others, of my good friend who is helpless, homeless, and friendless in Canada-whom I cannot help in any way, school, two weeks of sick, all of it. I just had to breathe. And as the epiphany of wanting to belong--to someone, to somewhere, to a group of fun girls!--a new song played, "For I am God, and you are mine."
Beautiful.

And just after, I randomly run into a bunch of solid Christian Army boys at vintage for the first time. And then, they invite me to lunch.
Even more grand.

I'm trying desperately to see the positive light, and not focus so hard on what I am not. But, instead, to use what He has made me into to positively effect others.

I do love my life here. I know, beyond everything, that I am supposed to be here. To what extent, I do not know.
Trust every day. Love every day. Look up and remember God every day.

Oh how I long for Waffle Houses with strong friends though.
It'll be okay. Tomorrow is a better, brighter day.

lonely day

I greeted at church today. And greeting typically is a fun time, of excitement and laughing and meeting new people while hugging on old friends. Today was no exception. Except that, at the end of it all, I just wanted to be around someone that knew me. Someone that could hold me while I cried; it was very much needed. So, somehow, in the midst of this amazing community of people that I adore, I managed to have a lonely day.
I came home wanting to be on a beached sailboat near Charleston, with an old friend, a fleece blanket, and a bottle of wine to myself. Lonely days such as this I think I am being pitiful. But, I remind myself, everyone is entitled to a lonely day.
I am really hoping for deeper friendships here and hope it isn't me holding that back.

Positively, I did leave church today with dimples that hurt from smiling. That was great.

And then my wonderful house mate carted me off for cheesecake and shopping. And somehow the day was better.

In the midst of all of this, I realized that I consistently look to someone to be my refuge. But, to quote a great woman, I should not bear my soul in the presence of any man. For in the arm's of a sinner I am.
How I long for it though.

Lots of weighty things pushing on me the past few months. How to make sense of all of it.
Prayer.
More and more prayer...For He will reveal Himself to me. From me He will not depart.
Proverbs 28:13

deep yoga breath here

My first week of school is behind me. It was good. Lots of walking, and coffee, and talking, and laughing!, and even more walking, singing, hi-fiving, and taking it all in. I am in love with good books at great coffee shops or on buses, and professors that make it crazy interesting. I am not in love with my right knee after all of the walking and stair climbing. But it's okay. It's getting stronger, which is needed.
Above all, I am tired. It's a good tired, but tired nonetheless. My scalp tingles at the point where my hair actually attaches anytime I run my hand through it. As if it longs for someone else to run their hand through it. I wish he would.
I made a new friend this week, and not just I met someone who is cool to talk to in class. A person that, I believe, will become a new true blue friend. A Jesus friend. I like Jesus friends.

It's also been a week of thinking about Jesus and how He effects my life. I have learned that at least one person is watching me, looking for Jesus, and that has been very sobering for me. Made me wonder how many people look at me and see Jesus. And, with it, the faces and names of everyone who I did not show Jesus to fly through my mind at a speed I can't even keep up with.

It's glorious to think that there is more to this world than just what is in front of me. I often think of myself sitting on the bus for example, as if all the roofs and attics and tops of cars and buses and trains have been taken off, and I'm looking down at the world from the sky. And I can see me and everyone on my bus. I zoom out. And there's everyone getting their kids ready, starting work, driving, crying, waking up in Raleigh. Zoom out again. There's North Carolina. And I think of how small my life is, how little impact I have. But, then I think of how we are just a high-thread count fabric and, though each strand is tiny, it is no less or no more important than any other strand. I can still do something. My tiny life will encounter other tiny lives. I want people to look at my tiny life and see that it radiates with joy and sunshine and swirly twirly gum drops...I hate the mold, Jell-0 and abstractly. If I resist the mold, I think my tiny life could do some good in other tiny lives.
But, not by me. Only through Jesus. And this- this I must remember.

HOKAY so..

Puh LEASE tell me you have seen "the end of the world" on youtube. okay you haven't. i'm going to try to not judge you. go search it on youtube. NOW. you think i'm kiddin'?
alright, so insert me, probably THE oldest person that's not the professor in my cultural anthropology class first thing this morning. and he's from Nepal. no, that's not funny. i know.
he says lots of words really well, uh, retardededly? Ha, that's a retarded word. (I can just hear Dallas reeling from my improper use of the word retarded.) And he's going through the syllabus and I am just struggling to understand the man. And, he looks up, pauses and goes, "Hokay so!!". It was everything I could muster to not laugh right out loud. and, to make matters worse, he does it like every 3rd sentence. i'm on the fifth row, with clear line of sight from him to me, and i have my hand over my mouth and i am trying not to shake from sheer laughter. first class, on my first day ever at NC State, and the professor thinks i am laughing at him. how do i manage these things?

HOKAY so! the rest of the day was alright. somehow it took nearly all day to figure out if my refund was direct deposit or a check (because it's missing), we finally discover. a check. give it 'til friday. great. this is me. thrilled.

oi. i'm trying not to let this overshadow that i am at STATE! i never thought i would say this about anything, but i have been thinking about this day for years. literally, years. plural.

that's all i've got for the moment.
i'm still debating on whether or not my life is interesting enough for a blog. menh, it helps.
Go Pack!